Help
kids to understand that they can feel satisfied when they’ve done their best;
not necessarily the best. Praise statements that are enthusiastic but more moderate
convey values that children can achieve; for example, "excellent" is better than
"perfect," and "You’re a good thinker" is better than
"You’re brilliant." Also avoid comparative praise; "You’re the
best" makes kids think they must be the best to satisfy you.
Explain
to children that they may not be learning if all of their work in school is perfect. Help
them understand that mistakes are an important part of challenge.
Teach
appropriate self-evaluation and encourage children to learn to accept criticism from
adults and other students. Explain that they can learn from the recommendations of others.
Read
biographies together that demonstrate how successful people experienced and learned from
failures. Emphasize their failure and rejection experiences as well as their successes.
Help children to identify with the feelings of those eminent persons as they must have
felt when they experienced their rejections. Stories from How Jane Won will be
helpful to discuss.
Share
your own mistakes and model the lessons you learned from your mistakes. Talk to yourself
aloud about learning from your mistakes so children understand your thinking.
Humor
helps perfectionists. (Remember Pamela Frank’s story.) Help children to laugh at
their mistakes.
Teach
children empathy and how bragging affects others. Help them to put themselves in the
position of others. Say, "Suppose you messed up on your piano recital and Jennifer,
the winner, told you that she had her best performance ever. How would you feel?"
Show
children how to congratulate others on their successes. They will feel they are coping
better as they congratulate others.
Teach
children routines, habits, and organization, but help them to understand that their habits
should not be so rigid that they can’t change them. Purposefully break routines so
your children are not enslaved by them. For example, if they make their beds daily, permit
them to skip a chore on a day when you’re in a hurry. If you read to them at night
and it’s late, insist they go to sleep without reading. Occasional breaks in routines
will model flexibility and prevent them from feeling compulsive about habits.
Teach
children creative problem-solving strategies and how to brainstorm for ideas that will
keep their self-criticism from interfering with their productivity.
Explain
to children that there is more than one correct way to do most everything.
If
your child is an underachiever and avoids effort because he fears not achieving
perfection, help him to gradually increase his effort and show him how that relates to his
progress. Emphasize that effort counts.
If
your child is a high achiever, but overstudies for fear of not receiving an A+, help her
to gradually study a little less to show her it has only a little effect on her grade.
Help her to feel satisfied with her excellent grades with the reasonable amount of study
involved. She needs to balance work with fun.
Be a
role model of healthy excellence. Take pride in the quality of your work but don’t
hide your mistakes or criticize yourself constantly. Congratulate yourself when
you’ve done a good job, and let your children know that your own accomplishments give
you satisfaction. Don’t overwork. You, too, need to have some fun and relaxation.
If
your child’s perfectionism is preventing accomplishment, or if your child shows
symptoms of anxiety related to perfectionism, like stomachaches, headaches, or eating
disorders, get professional psychological help for your child and your family.
